The next 8 weeks

The next few months that followed are a blur of emotions and doctor's appointments. We had to go to the doctor weekly, mostly just for them to check my blood pressure and to ask us if we still wanted to continue with the pregnancy. That was really hard. I hated going to the doctor because everytime we went there I felt like I had to deal with it and get my heart right with God all over again. I would feel at peace on the way there; I was sad, but I trusted that God knew what He was doing. By the time we left, I would be a complete mess because they would tell us every time, "the fetus will not survive" "why are you risking your health for a fetus that will not live?" "it is only a matter of time before the fetus expires anyway". I really dislike that word fetus. The way they used it just made it sound like a spare part that you could just casually discard if it was not exactly how you wanted it. But I guess they have to call it that. No doctor would say, "Would you like to kill your daughter today?"
Because of the Triploidy, we had been warned that she might come early. All of the extra hormone causes the placenta to be larger than it should be and it creates a ton of amniotic fluid, so I was quickly running out of room for her in there. On February 28 and 29 I noticed that I was having what I thought were Braxton Hick's contractions. They didn't hurt, but I was having a lot of them and I was completely exhausted. On March 1st, my wonderful husband made me call the doctor. This makes me laugh now, but I was a little upset with him because I had set out some chicken to make dinner and I didn't want to go to the doctor because I didn't want the chicken to go to waste. Thank you dear for not listening to me. :) I called the doctor and they told me to go to the hospital immediately. We got there around 5:00 and Eliana Hope was born three hours later.
We don't know exactly what time she went to heaven. Her heart was still beating when we got there, but they warned me that the labor was probably going to be too stressful for her to make it through. She was so pretty. Her hair and eyelashes were blonde, she had the tiniest little ears, and her feet were just like mine. They put her on my belly after she came out and asked me what her name was, but I couldn't even speak. It was so surreal to hold her. I finally got to see what she looked like, but it wasn't really her anymore, it was just the shell of what she left. My real daughter was in the arms of an angel somewhere, and she no longer has Triploidy. She has a perfect heart, perfect brain, perfect kidneys and liver, and because of Jesus I will get to be with her someday.
I am not sure what God's plan is in all of this, but this I do know. . .
"Faith need never ask, 'But what good does this do me?' Faith already knows that everything that happens fits into a pattern for good to those who love God. An inconvenience is always, whether we see it or not, a blessed inconvenience. We may rest in the promise that God is fitting together a good many more things than are any of our business. We need never see 'what good it did', or how a given trouble accomplishes anything. It is peace to leave it all with Him, asking only that He do with me anything He wants, anywhere, anytime, that God may be glorified," - Elisabeth Elliot

Do I Trust Him?

Life was not the same after that day. It is hard to even put into words the feelings that we went through. Every time she was still I would wonder if I had just felt her move for the last time. I would lay awake at night, hold my belly and feel her move around, and try to comprehend how it was possible for her to have a fatal condition and yet be growing and so full of life.
At the doctor's recommendation, we ended up getting an amniocentesis. She was diagnosed officially with a condtion called Triploidy. Basically, that is when two sperm fertilize one egg, so she had an extra chromosome of every type. The medical world would call it a "fluke", but I know better than that. I know that she was fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that somehow this very hard chapter in our life is part of God's perfect plan, and I completely trust that He is good and everything He does is for my good.
One night, as I was lying in bed unable to sleep, I was praying and begging the Lord to heal her. I believe He brought my mind to the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in Daniel where they are speaking to King Nebuchadnezzar. They said "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." I felt like He was saying to me, "I am able to heal her, but EVEN IF I DO NOT, will you still worship Me? Will you still trust me?"
It is a very hard thing to accept that God's perfect plan might involve your child's death. Thankfully, I am not doing this alone. There truly is a peace that passes all understanding. . .

20 week ultrasound

The day was here! We were finally going to find out if this ornery little thing that punched and kicked me and Chris constantly was a boy or a girl. I was so excited I hardly slept a wink that night, and in every dream I had about our baby thus far, it had been a girl. I was feeling pretty confident that pink and flowers were soon going to be overtaking our spare bedroom. :)

At the doctor's office, they promptly took us back and began the ultrasound. It is amazing how fast babies grow! She had gone from a little peanut with almost nothing but a head and chest to this adorable thing with wiggling arms and legs. We laughed at her antics and the nurse said she thought it was a girl but was not sure because she was moving too much. I couldn't believe how amazing she was, and I was so distracted with her that it took me a while to notice that the nurse was not saying very much, nor was she smiling. She kept flipping through my chart, then looking back to the screen, then flipping through my chart again. Chris asked if everything was all right, and she did not respond. Then, she said that she was going to have the doctor look at the ultrasound photos. My heart felt like it dropped through my chest. I couldn't breathe. How could there be something wrong? She looked perfect.

They ended up sending us to the hospital where they have better equipment, and they still hadn't told us anything. They said there were "problems" with the baby, but they wouldn't explain anything until the specialist had looked at her. My thoughts were running wild. I began praying, and I thought to myself that it was all right if she had birth defects. God made her exactly the way He wanted her, and I was going to love her no matter what. I was not prepared at all for what the doctor's told us.

The second ultrasound lasted for about an hour, again with silence from the nurse. She left the room, then came back and said the doctor and the genetic specialist were on their way to see us. They began to list everything that was wrong with my sweet girl. Her heart was highly abnormal, the two sides of her brain were not connected, her liver was enlarged, her kidneys were abnormal. . .the list just kept going. At some point I went completely numb, and I only got bits and pieces of what the doctor was saying. I heard things like "these conditions will be fatal", "you should consider termination", "gestational trophoblastic disease". . .I had to concentrate to keep breathing. Was this really happening? I felt like I had just walked into a nightmare.

This was definitely the hardest day of my life. Yes, it was even harder than the day that we said goodbye to her, but it is also where the joy starts. On the way home, I was crying so hard it is really a miracle that I made it home. I was crying out to the Lord, "Why?!? How could you let this happen?!?" I felt the arms of Jesus wrap around me like I never have before, and He whispered to my heart, "I won't leave you." I knew then that this was not going to be easy at all, but I trusted that He had a plan.

I will end this post with a quote from a book that I was reading when all of this was happening. "We tend to look at the circumstances of life in terms of what they may do to our cherished hopes and convenience, and we shape our decisions and reactions accordingly. When a problem threatens, we rush to God, not to seek his perspective, but to ask him to deflect the trouble. Our self - concern takes priority over whatever it is that God might be trying to do through the trouble. . . " - Arthur Mathews

The Beginning of the Story

It all started in September. I am unsure of the exact date that I took the pregnancy test, but I didn't really need it. I knew I was pregnant. I had been waiting for months to have that feeling again. We lost our first child to miscarriage earlier in the year, and had been praying for another. I took the test and immediately thanked Jesus. I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face! I told my husband (Chris) the good news. He was just as excited and nervous as I was.

Over the next couple of weeks, as we anxiously awaited our first ultrasound, we prayed. We prayed against a miscarriage, we prayed for the kind of person that this baby might be, and we prayed that God would be glorified by this baby. I just knew this one was going to be special.

At our 8 week check up they did an early ultrasound. Because of my miscarriage, they just wanted to make sure that everything was ok and put my mind at ease. When I saw her on that screen, I immediately fell in love. That tiny little body inside of me had a strong beating heart, and the doctor said everything looked wonderful. She was measuring right on track, and her heart was beating just as fast as it should at that stage. I breathed a sigh of relief as we left the doctor that day, and I let myself begin to imagine what this baby would feel like and smell like. I was so excited to be a mom! She was always on my thoughts, and I prayed constantly for her. Our next check up was fine too. Her heart was beating exactly at the right beats per minute, and I was growing right on track. We picked out names, and began the countdown to the 20 week ultrasound where we would get to find out we were having.

Our Little One

Hello, my name is Anna. I am writing this to honor my little girl who was born in to heaven on March 1st, 2010. She was not here for very long, but she was so very loved. I will miss her everyday. She has taught me so much about life, love, joy, pain, and most importantly she has taught me about our Saviour, Jesus. I want to make sure that I do not forget what she has taught me, and I hope that everyone who reads this will be blessed by her life.

Jesus, I thank you for giving me such a wonderful gift. Thank you for keeping her safe in Your arms.

- Eliana's Mommy